Gains Not Losses

I let out an exasperated sigh of frustration.
I had done everything right.
I turned down every donut, every lemon drop, every sugary drink offered me.
One pound.
One stupid pound.
That's it?

I took the scale and threw it into the closet. 
Stay in there you worthless piece of crap.

I turned to the mirror and my face grimaced.
Ugh, those thighs.
Those arms.
Why can't I lose that inch right there?
Right here?

I had become my own competition, but my own worst enemy.

As a runner, I find myself consumed with "losses."
Lose a pound to shave a few seconds off of that 5K time.
Lose a few more pounds to be fast enough to chase that marathon personal best.
Lose, lose, lose.
Be leaner, be faster, be skinner, be this or be that.

I was done with it.
I had turned something so beautiful, so freeing into a cage.

I recently took up weight lifting on the side.
For every hour I run I typically do half an hour of weights.

Like when I began my running career, lifting was about challenging myself.
It was about doing something I was afraid of doing.
Like running, it has become the path that leads me from destruction.
From me destroying myself.

Running is my outlet; for anger, for loneliness, for joy, for self image frustrations.
When I run I feel fierce and beautiful.
Lifting is my barrier; for when I get out of control, for when I think skinny is the goal, for when frailness thinks it has a right to take home in my body.
When I lift I feel strong.

That's all I was after to begin with.
I thought I was after skinny.
I thought I was after looking good in my clothes.
I thought I was after an ideal pant size.

It is not my responsibility as a woman to be beautiful or attractive to anyone.
Lifting has showed me that. 
You can be strong, dripping sweat, arms shaking, teeth gritted and not care about how beautiful you look. 

Why all of a sudden weight lifting?

It allows me to focus on my gains instead of my losses.

Instead of stepping on a scale to see how many cupcakes I can never eat again, I can look in the mirror with weights in hand, seeing the strength that I alone built.

Instead of pinching my stomach I can see the growth in myself and my abilities as I swing a dumbbell over my head.

There will always be inches to lose, pounds to lose, cellulite to grimace at, stretch marks to pull at.

Who.
Cares.

I am a strong woman. 
I push that woman every day. 
It is not my responsibility to be beautiful to anyone.

But that woman,
and that woman is size awesome.

Intro

Many of you have come to me with questions about my running and fitness. 

I've had the idea in my mind for some time to start my own fitness journey blog to answer questions/explain my routine, struggles, diet. 

I'm human. 
If you're expecting a blog about a girl who works out 6 hours a day and never eats a cookie this isn't the place for you. 

I eat burgers. 
I screw up and binge. 
I take days off. 
I skip push ups when I don't feel like it. 

I'm real in my personal blog and you can expect the same here. 

The journey to fitness is REAL and it is a struggle for everyone. 

I laugh when people think i must have had an athletic background or alway been some lean girl who can eat whatever she pleases and still remain her figure. 

What? 
Girl please. 
I was a butter ball. 
No athletic bones in my body. 
I did pee wee cheer & cringed at the thought of getting dirt on my hair bow. 

I was frail. 

Also, if you're looking for some profound reason for me starting my fitness journey, good luck with that. 
One day I just felt running. 
I just never stopped. 

If I can run marathons, you can too. 

If I can get my butt up at 4 a.m on a Saturday because I care more about my health than my beauty sleep, so can you. 

Just suck it up. 

As a woman who has struggled with crying over a piece of paper from my middle school calling me overweight to the doctor's office weighing in at a flimsy 95 lbs at age 19, I've been in your shoes. 

Getting my weight under control didn't happen over night. 

Honestly, some days I still look in the mirror and see the chubby middle school Britney despite being a dedicated athlete. 

So will you. 

The road to fitness isn't smoothly paved. There are speed bumps, pot holes and detours. 

This blog will be to inform you and to encourage you. 

Some days you'll read this blog and feel inspired and others you will have insight into hardship. 

If you ever have a specific question you want me to take time and address here ill give it my best shot. 

From nutrition, to work outs to your next race. 

I'm all ears. 

Think a quick fix is what you need? 

Honey, bless your heart. 

Welcome to hard work.